Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
