You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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