Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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