Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
