Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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