he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
What a dumb baby whore.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
