who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
