I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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