Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
