threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
