I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Randomize
