My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
