i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
