Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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