I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
