Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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