Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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