He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
