he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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