I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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