Will you blow on my dice?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
