my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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