My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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