I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
