i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
