NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
