If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
