dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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