chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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