PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
