i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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