my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
