My nipple is on Facebook.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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