Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
