I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
BRING THE BAGELS
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
