I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
