i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
