She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
