she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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