She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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