I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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