Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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