I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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