I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
