Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
