On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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