I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
