I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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