I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
