I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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