Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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