U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
