When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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