I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
