I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
