Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
