We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
