I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
