Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
