Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Pooping to opera.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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