Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
