I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
