we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize