oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You made out with two different species that night
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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