I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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