I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
this beer tastes like vomit already
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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