just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
