this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
